So, I’m Not Single?!?! Who Knew….

A while back someone in my Facebook feed (you know who you are! LOL) posted something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, if you have kids, you’re not single.”

It’s been a GOOD while since I’ve updated this thing, but that status update never left my mind. And what better time to address it than Mother’s Day weekend. So here goes.

I will tell anyone in a minute that I am dating for two. I feel that as a mother, that my decisions about my personal life affect my child. And that includes who I consider to date. I would never consider a partnership with someone who I didn’t think I could expose my daughter to. So, from that angle I agree with the comment.

On the flipside, my child is not considered baggage at all. Not to me at least. She has changed my life for the better in ways that I didn’t know I could improve upon. I’ve always had my business together, but she helped me make choices and just be even more responsible. She is a blessing. That being said, I would never even consider dating anyone who felt that I was not “single” because of her. She is the most important part of my life.

Now, the purpose of this is not to throw shade or attack the person who wrote that status update. He’s cool people. In fact, his honesty should be commended. It saves busy single moms like me who are constantly juggling our careers, families and social lives from wasting time on a “prospect” who is not suitable for us. More men should just be upfront.

But, um, if I am not supposed to check the “single” box, what am I supposed to do dammit? I think I will be selecting that until “Single with an amazingly beautiful, smart, loving and WONDERFUL child” becomes an option. And not to toot my own horn, but she gets all of that from her mama! LOL

Ladies, have an amazing Mother’s Day. Be pampered. Enjoy yourself! And to my male readers, do something to show how much the hard work is appreciated. You’re turn is next month. The love shall be reciprocated!

If Men Are The Smarter Sex…

I’m blogging about this by request, and because it keeps coming up way too much in everyday conversation.

Now, the next line you read will raise some eyebrows—brace yourself.

I think men are the smarter sex…when it comes to dating. Women reign superior in most other areas, but when it comes to navigating the field of flirtation, juggling, dating, etc., most men have figured out something that we’re not grasping.

A good friend of mine was recently involved in back and forth flirtation with the opposite sex. So hot and heavy was this flirtation that she was shocked when she learned he was in a committed relationship from a third-party. She felt mortified and duped—obviously, she was feeling him. She said, “You must blog about this!” 

This is not the first instance I have heard of such a thing occurring. I’ve even experienced it. However, I am not going to list personal examples because that would just be telling on myself. 

But what I did do was pick the brain of a male friend. I said, “Friend, why do men lead women astray by flirting with them repeatedly and giving them false hope, only for us to later learn that they have someone at home anyway? Huh, friend?” (So, I’m paraphrasing a bit…) 

His response (unparaphrased): “I mean there’s no one answer, it's a case by case thing. But overall they are trying to test the waters. He could be in an unhappy relationship, he could be bored with her, or he could just be a conniving player.”

Of course, the easy conclusion to draw would be that he is a conniving player. (ha ha)

But, as I thought more about it, I decided that he was just better at the game than us, in some cases. If he is just casually dating, with no established commitment, what is to stop him from keeping himself out there? I think a woman sometimes get caught up in the first, second and third dates way too quickly and start to immediately think long-term. We may not realize that we’re doing so, but we stop putting ourselves out there. In general, we are usually ready to commit. We find a good candidate and we’re done.

That is what made me conclude that men just might be the smarter sex when it comes to dating. I ran this by a female friend, who gave a classic response: “Well if men are the smarter sex, I’d rather be dumb.”

Can’t help but laugh at that one.

But, seriously, what do you guys think? Are men better at navigating the field or are they simply players? You already know what I think.

 

 

Quality Over Quantity

I’ve been quiet lately. Sorry. But, a hectic work schedule, blogger’s block and at times pure exhaustion have kept me from posting.

Also, being that this is a blog partly about dating, it’s hard for me to post content when I’m not hitting the scene. The golden question these days has been, “Are you seeing anyone?”

And the answer is no. It’s not that the random guy doesn’t approach me here and there. Just this morning some guy offered to take me out to lunch. (Sure, he was questionable in appearance and mental stability, but an invite is an invite, right?)

But, that brings me to my point. I am all about quality over quantity these days. I know it’s good to “get back out there” for experience sake, but with limited free time, I don’t want to waste it. As I told someone recently, my weeding out process is SICK these days. I can usually tell from initial contact/phone interaction if you are even worth considering.

Here are some examples of what is on my mental checklist:

1) I am a mom first and foremost. I don’t have many conversations where my daughter isn’t mentioned. If you show ZERO interest in the basic details about her (name, age, etc.), that’s a red flag for me. Now, I am not looking for a daddy for her. She already has one. But, we’re a package deal, dude.

2) On the other hand, don’t show TOO much interest in her from the start. That is also a red flag for me, and I think you know why.

3) Show some interest in ME. In the past, I’ve wasted time on people who by the third conversation still had no clue what I did for a living. That’s a basic question. Now, I know that I am not always an open book. But, my policy is if you ask, I will tell. I have no problem sharing. But if you are working towards getting to know me, shouldn’t that be part of the initial conversation anyway?

These are just a few things that I look for. There are more “criteria” on the list, but I can’t give away all my secrets. And please don’t judge me for even having criteria. I’m a mother. I’m dating for two. So, this is why I haven’t been out there much lately. Sadly, most guys don’t make it past those first three examples.

If you have a list, no matter how crazy or sane, feel free to share bits and pieces from it. I like to know that I am not alone.

Peace!

The "Accidental" Date

I don’t know about you, but I must be a magnet for this.

I’ll get asked out on what I think is a casual friend-type situation, only to later realize along the way that I was somehow coerced into a “date.” Maybe I am just clueless about reading the signs of when someone has more than a platonic interest in me, but I think this also says something about the coward-like ways of some guys.

For instance, when I was had just started graduate school, this guy suggested after class that we grab some coffee or food, while discussing a class assignment. The red flags did not rise for me at all.  I figured that for one, it would be a good idea to make some friends, and we did have to work on a project, so why not get started?

Silly me.

We find a Japanese spot to eat at, and while discussing the assignment, he blurts out, “You know that I like you right?”

Sigh…..

So, I found myself giving a very diplomatic response of, “You seem cool too, but I don’t really know you”, shoveling in the rest of my chicken teriyaki and getting out of there quick fast. I felt tricked and bamboozled.  And in case you are wondering, I never gave him a chance and I was wise in doing so.  He would later on send me pics of his nether regions.

Another incident that occurred was a bit more sneaky and underhanded.  There was a colleague of mine who I’d exchanged emails with and even had drinks with once.  Purely platonic stuff, so I thought.  One day he emails me, suggesting that we get together for drinks and dinner the following Thursday.  I was fine with that.  I had no plans and felt that it couldn’t hurt to be social.

Well, that weekend I was chatting with a male friend about what he was planning to do for his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.  He started sharing his plans and then I had a “light bulb” moment. Valentine’s Day was THURSDAY.  That fool tried to set me up!  Because I wasn't expecting to celebrate it, the date never clicked when he suggested it. So I avoided his calls all week, didn’t respond to his emails and made a potentially awkward situation even more awkward.  Oh well….

I could go on and list more examples, but I think you get the point. Plus, I don’t see a point in providing you with more reasons to laugh at my expense.

But, seriously am I that oblivious or are men just getting more passive aggressive in picking up women?

Ladies, let me know if this has ever happened to you.  And in an attempt to humor the male readers of this blog, guys can feel free to chime in too!

Maybe You Should.....

Often times when I post a new blog, more folks respond to me offline, than in the actual comments section.

Laughs are exchanged, virtual heads shake, and naturally, advice is dispensed. The most common thing I am asked--aside from when will I be updating the blog--is have I considered other ways of meeting people. So here are my views on the different ways traditional and non-traditional to meet worthy members of the opposite sex.

Blind Dates:

I am not completely against this. But, I am particular. Not picky per se, but I either like you or I don't. No gray areas...usually. And the friends that I do have, I would like to keep. I would hate to curse one of you out because your idea of the ideal mate for me does not match up to mine.

Church:

I will tread lightly with this one. It is assumed that this is one of the safer places to meet a potential mate, but it sure isn't foolproof. Snakes lurk everywhere. Plus, I know more than one guy who has admitted to me that they attend Sunday services for eye candy purposes or went on a date with someone to church to increase their chances of "hitting it." (The term "hitting it" and "church", don't even belong in the same sentence!) Sigh…Plus, there is usually way too much competition among women for the eligible bachelors at church. Count me out.

Internet/Social Networking Sites:

Ironically, I might be open to this option the most. I have made some friends of the opposite sex on Blackplanet, MySpace and Facebook who have proven to have staying power. So, perhaps someone eventually will be a good dating match for me. Perhaps.

Dating Websites:

No, no, no! I'll admit that I have considered this option. But once it gets to the part in the profile setup process where I am asked for my credit card info, I snap back to reality. I just can't see myself paying to meet people. Call me cheap. Call me narrow-minded. I'm passing on this option.

Speed Dating:

See above. I think they charge for this too.

Well, I guess I will be meeting a man the old fashioned way--inebriated at a club during last call. I'm only kidding of course. But, I am open to hearing suggestions from you guys. And, in hearing your stories. Share. Please. Peace!

Dude, You Like Totally Forced My Hand....

I’ve had a really annoying week, full of annoying nonsense, all due to the actions of morons that I allow to have too much of an effect on my life.  Better yet, I allowed them to.  That will not be happening again.  With this post, I am purging myself of the negativity that at least one of them brought to my life.

When I started this blog, I told myself that I would not do any male bashing.  I didn’t want the site to have that “tone.”  And I still plan to stick to that decree.  But, I never said that I wouldn’t people bash.  Two different things, right?

So, a couple of posts ago, I mentioned that the most recent guy I was seeing didn’t work out. I am now ready to share that story.  And, as they like to say, I’m about to GO IN!

So, I believe that I’d mentioned that the guy and I were getting along great, but that I had doubts and wasn’t sure we were on the same page.  But, it wasn’t over.  We were still involved.  I was still receiving texts declaring that he loved and missed me.  That he was thinking of me and couldn’t wait to see me. Blah, blah, blah. Yada, yada, yada.  Some of my issues with him when we first dated years ago when I was only 17 and he was about 19, were that he was flaky, immature (as expected from a teenager) and somewhat of a liar.  Okay, he WAS a liar.  But, I didn’t care back then.  We were teens and how serious could things get anyway.

But, just because I didn’t care, didn’t mean I didn’t remember who he was back then.  And sadly, more than a decade later, he is the same person.  No personal growth at all.  Still a fact falsifier, an eternal teenager (even dates the same age group as he did back then.  Sad, right?) and the ULTIMATE flake.  I’m just being honest.

For future reference (because I suspect you will read this), here is a tip:

Don’t send a woman a text saying you genuinely love and miss her, only to post a pic of some hoe bag (thanks for that one A!) as your default on your “social networking site.”  (Link to send hate mail to available upon request.  Just kidding...unless you want to....)  Especially when you know that I will see it.  Just not smart dude.  That behavior may fly with a “girl”.  But, what should have I expected?  When someone is used to eating happy meals on the regular, they usually don’t know how to use a steak knife properly.  And in case that one is over your head, it basically means that you don’t know how to have a healthy ADULT relationship with a real WOMAN.

So, in case you were wondering why I asked you to erase my contact info, now you know.  Which is half the battle, they say.  For you, the other half is growing up.

Alright, I’m done.  Sorry for putting you guys through this, but I needed to let go of my angry.

Peace!

 

Dating Down

A while back while hanging out at Moe’s in Fort Greene (PM days in case you were wondering) with my cousin, I ran into a coworker and a friend of his there.  We hung out for the rest of the night, drinking and just shooting the breeze.  We were having a really fun and spontaneous time.  I had a boyfriend back then who was one of those clingy types.  If I wasn’t out with him, he needed to know where and who I was with at all times.  It was exhausting.  Needless to say, my phone was blowing up all night long, messing up the good vibes.

After the 7^th or 8^th or 10^th call, I was annoyed.  And clearly so was the company I was with.

“Who is looking for you so hard?,” my coworker’s friend asked.

“Oh, that’s my man,” I answered, hanging my head in shame.

“Wow.  What kind of dude feels the need to call like that?,” he asked.

Before I could answer, my coworker jumped in and said, “Trust me, if she is with him, he is official.  Kema don’t date down.  He is probably some SEC-type motherf******!”

If only he knew.

I have never been the type to go for the flashy.  I prefer “regular” dudes, as one girlfriend of mine likes to call them.  I am not the chick who eyes the guy in VIP because he is “popping bottles”. I can pop my own, if I want to.  I am not the chick who gets with a guy because he promises handbags or shoes. Again, I can get my own.  And I definitely don’t and have never asked a man to pay a bill for me.  Again, I take care of my own finances.  Get the picture?

I don’t like to say that I “date down”, per se.  But I have been known not to discriminate based on occupation, financial standing or looks. I just wasn’t raised that way.  For me, it’s all about how that person makes me feel and how he treats me.  I have even been asked by some guys that I have dated what I see in them. 

Whenever I am dating someone new, I have the same certain people ask me what he does for a living or how much money he makes.  Sadly, these same certain people who have been holding out for a rich guy have been single and looking for AGES. (I’m just being honest here.)

But, don’t get me wrong--there are requirements.  I won’t just recklessly love a loser.  He has to be at least trying.  He has to have a job and goals that he is working towards.  And if he has responsibilities, he needs to be making sure that those are taken care of, especially if those responsibilities come in the form of children.  I once dated a dude who was proud of the fact that he “tricked” the child support system into thinking he was broker than he was, just to pay less each month for his two children.  It was a turnoff and I told him so.  He and I didn’t last much longer after that.

But, seriously, is it wise to wait for “Prince Charming” before opening yourself for love?  Or is it foolish to date a guy who could possibly never reach the same status as you?  Does the difference in finances put a hurting on the relationship overtime?  What are your experiences?

Whatever the case, clearly, I am not a gold digger, because I have messed with my fair share of broke….well you get the picture.

*A few updates: Someone wrote me and asked what happened to the dude from the first post who gave me the bag of purple candy years ago.  Well, the answer is nothing happened, that is why I am still posting to this blog. :)

Also, I did accept my personal challenge and went somewhere by myself the other day.  No, I didn’t meet anyone, but I also didn’t get accosted by weirdos. So, I guess I made out okay. My next date with myself will probably be the upcoming Amel Larrieux concert.  Her music is so awesome that I don’t think I can pass up a chance to see her because I can’t find a buddy to go with.  

One (+ None)

The summer months have found me with more free time on my hands than I’m used to. My daughter has been spending a lot of time at her dad’s and I have been left twiddling my thumbs, trying to drum up plans for these rare and golden moments. Mainly, this has just resulted in my being overly obsessed with insignificant issues. Not cool.

PM (check the last post for what this term means), I would have just hit the streets alone and found some trouble to get into. I guess being a mom has made me more cautious about hanging out alone OR I am just out of practice. I also happen to be a weirdo magnet and going places alone only attracts them more.

But like I said, I wasn’t always this way. For my 25th birthday, my “date” for the evening decided at the last minute to cancel (what a douchebag). I was all dressed up and ready to go grab a meal at the Sharkbag. At first, I was hesitant to go alone. I didn’t want to be that lone diner who is forced to not make eye contact with folks, read a book, or make calls on my cell so I don’t look like I am uncomfortable being alone. After a pep talk with myself, I decided to just suck it up and go.

When I got there and asked for a table for one, the maitre d’ looked behind him (there were several empty tables, as it was mid-week), and said there would be a slight wait—he had to get someone to clear the other place settings.

So while at the bar, I mentioned that it was my birthday to the bartender. He declared that my watermelon martini would be on the house. Score one for the “dumped” girl.

Sitting next to me were two older gentlemen who were eavesdropping. One of them (who was very easy on the eyes), started chatting me up, when the maitre d’ came and told me that my table was ready. Not wanting to be rude, but I was WAS hungry, I told the stranger I had to go. He asked if he could finish our talk over dinner.

So all through the meals and drinks, I filled him in on why I was there alone, life story, background, yada, yada, yada. Vice versa. Then the check came. He paid. Score number two for the “dumped” girl.

Of course, he tried to take me home. Duh! Sadly, the generous gentleman did not score. We had a few phone conversations following this, with the last one ending him calling me disrespectful for not expressing gratitude for the free meal. Really.

Anyway, fast forward to AM days (again, check the previous post for definition), I feel as if I’ve lost my mojo to do these things. I have two weddings coming up where it looks like I’ll be flying solo. So, I better get used to being in these social settings alone again. There are also a few events coming up that I want to check out that my friends are either in positions to not attend (pregnant), too pre-occupied (family and relationships), or just not interested in (losers…I kid, I kid).

So, it’s time for me to take the plunge and grow some. Starting tomorrow, I’ll be accepting my first “challenge” to myself to get out and do something, even if it has to be alone.

Any suggestions on where I can get a good weirdo magnet repellent?

War Reports: The Good and The Bad

Being that this is blog is partially about “dating” and all, I started thinking about some of my past dating/relationship/romantic experiences.  I came up with a list of the best and worst for you guys.  These events occurred pre-baby (PM) and after-baby (AM). I’ll indicate when necessary.

Here goes:

All You Get is 50 cent Franks at Papayas:

I went out with a guy who made a big show of announcing that he would be picking up the tab at the end of the night.  First off, why announce this?  And secondly, he shouldn’t have, given the fact that by the end of the evening I ended up purchasing two hotdogs for him at Gray’s Papaya (after he dropped several hints about being hungry and spending all of his funds on drinks), AND I had to swipe MY Metrocard so he could get back home. And no, we weren’t at a really fancy place where drinks were expensive.  And NO, I didn’t order a lot.  I had two drinks, one of which I was already drinking when he showed up, so he didn’t pay for that one.  This was my first date AM, and it was very unnerving.  We never hung out again.

2: You Can’t Even Keep Your F***king Nails Clean:

Remember when Janet Jackson said that in Poetic Justice?  Well, I once went out with a guy who made me recall this line. He picked me up from the office and off we went to dinner.  We got to the restaurant, were seated, and placed our drink orders.  Now, I already wasn’t feeling the fact that he was one of those dudes who felt that he needed to let the whole world see his boxers.  That was turnoff number one.  He also made a lot of sex-related comments—turnoff number two.  So, when he proceeded to start cleaning his fingernails at the table, I was done.  Watching those black flecks of dirt hit the table cloth let me know that our time together was done.  I told him he was disgusting, announced that I was leaving and took off.  I didn’t even wait for the cocktails to arrive.  This was a PM date, in case you were wondering.

3: Real Life Rat Boy?

I had been seeing this guy for a couple of months.  He had to go to Switzerland for some reason or another and was gone for two weeks. When he came back, he had tons of Swiss chocolates (some of the best in the world!) to keep for himself and to pass out as souvenirs.  There is a reason why I am telling you all of this.  One evening we were chatting on the phone, shooting the breeze, when I asked him how his first day back at work was following his vacay.

Him: I think that some rats got into my desk while I was away.

Me: Why do you think that?

Him: Well, before I went away, a co-worker was selling some Ronald McDonald fundraiser chocolates and I purchased a few bars.  When I got back, I saw that the ends of the chocolate bars had been nibbled on rats.

Me: So, ummmm, you threw those away, right?

Him: Hell no!  That’s good chocolate.  I just broke the ends off and ate the rest.

Simply disgusting.  The man had gourmet chocolates at his disposal, yet he would rather risk rabies than throw away $2 worth of candy. That’s just cheap and nasty.  Needless to say, it ended shortly thereafter.  I could not see myself staying with a guy who consumes rodent-tainted food.

Ahhhh, but I have had some good romantic/date experiences.

In particular was a gesture by my daughter’s father.  While I was pregnant, we were both pretty serious about the foods I ate.  We wanted our baby to have the best chances possible. On the forbidden list were foods like pork, beef and caffeine.  One week however, I was CRAVING a cheeseburger and an ice cold Pepsi with a twist.  I fought the desire off, but that didn’t stop me from talking about it all the time.  One day he called me and told me to meet him the lounge/restaurant area of the Marriot in Times Square.  When I arrived, he waved me over and waiting for me was a NICE, HUGE, juicy cheeseburger, fries and an ice cold Pepsi, with lemon of course.  I was in heaven.  It meant a lot considering that he was even more serious about sticking to our pre-approved list of foods than I was.

Another gesture worth mentioning happened while I was college.  I’d mentioned to this guy I was seeing that my favorite color was purple (at the time).  It just came up in conversation.  Well, the next time he came to visit me at the dorms, he had a nice-sized bag of purple flavored treats for me.  Laffy Taffy, Now and Laters, Blow Pops, etc. It was just too cute!  And it was creative and thrifty.  And that always wins me over.

*Editor’s note: I should probably mention that the the guy who gave me the purple treats happens to be the same guy mentioned in my first post who resurfaced after 12 years.

I would love to hear the best and the worst of your dating experiences.  Please share.  Seriously.  It can’t always be about me. :)

Allow me to Introduce Myself

Yeah right.  I don’t have the time or energy to rehash my life story right now.  Perhaps another day, another mood, another post. But now, I’m just jumping right in.

So, circumstances have found me single, 30 years old and a mom, living in New York City.  Those of you who are familiar with NYC, know that it’s one of the hardest places to have successful dating experiences.  And given the fact that I am raising a little one, I’ve been proceeding with caution for the past year.  I can no longer go on a “trampage” just because I’m young, single, and “not ugly”. Needless to say, things have been very dead for me.

That is, until recently when I bumped into someone from my past who seemed to have promise.  More than a decade had gone by since I’d last seen him, but the chemistry was there.  After some hesitancy on my end, I decided to see if any substantial could develop.  It was wonderful at first—he’s a great guy.  But, just because two people are physically attracted to each other, enjoy each other’s company, have a lot in common and make each other happy, doesn’t mean it can work out.  I know that it sounds like it should, right?  But, sometimes people are at different stages in their lives and want different things.  I won’t get into the particulars of what is pushing me towards the door on this one, because although I doubt he’ll find his way here to read this, these things have a way of getting out. 

 And he is such a cool guy, that I don’t want to piss him off.  He has actually enhanced my life, so no matter what, I still want that friendship.

Now, back to the point I am getting at. The aforementioned guy is just one year older than me.  I’ve been finding that men my age are still unsure of what they want.  Recently, I have been chatting with guys and learning that even at the age of 30, they  have either never been in a relationship, been in love, or both.  They are just content to continue dating.  That’s their preference and prerogative. I won't knock it.  But, they are simply not “marketable” to someone like me.

So, I’m thinking about upgrading, age-wise that is, to start dating 35-45 year old men.  Some of my friends have already told me that it’s a bad idea.  One has already told me not to bring any old-ass men out with us when we hang.

Another one warned me that older men come with their fair share of hang-ups too, such as lack of stamina, early bed times and stubbornness.  But, given my recent success rate, what have I got to lose, right?  Should I, or shouldn’t I? What do you think?

I’ll let you know how it turns out, if I do it.  Because first, I have to get past the idea of Ben-Gay, Viagra and Just for Men home kits. ;)